Sunday, November 30, 2008

When was the last time you felt good about yourself?

Yesterday was a good example. My wife and I found two kids outside our gate, asking for alms door to door. Both children were untidy and look like they have eaten neither breakfast nor lunch. We asked them to come with us to a nearby sari-sari store and bought them some cupcakes and orange juice. We noticed that the older brother was barefoot and has a big wound on his right sole. I can see that he’s in pain while walking with her 3 year old sister. My ever generous and compassionate wife suggested that we buy him a new pair of slippers. We asked the kids to stay on the bleachers outside the store and finish their snacks while we look for slippers. The market place is only five minutes away from home so we were able to get back just after they’ve finished their snacks. I can see in his small eyes that he is so delighted with his new pair of slippers, though maybe in his shyness he cannot manage to give even a tiny smile. We also bought a new pair of sandals for his little sister; unfortunately it’s too small for her. But still we gave it to them just in case they have a younger sister. The last thing I told the little boy before we left was to take care of his sister.
It felt so good inside. It delighted my soul. For a moment I realized how complete I am and that completeness flows in abundance that I can even share it without fearing that I’ll ever run dry.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Addicted to the Sensation of Agony

I do not invite and enjoy misery of any kind just to be pitied by others or admired for forbearance but it is thru this sensation that I feel more alive – watching my self bleed while I strive to breathe.
We need pain, misery, sorrow and failure. We need it because it fetches the finest character in us. It teaches us to reckon success, happiness and even pleasure with such depth that changes every strand of our being.
So the next time you see yourself under a cloud, just go ahead and pump the rain out of it. Let it pour on you. Let it magically wash you for sometime. After that you’ll begin to appreciate better the warmth of the sun, not just the usual smile that your face gives when you see it shine.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

To my Zenith & Nadir

It is in this time of my life that it occurred to me ---
Tears not flowing upon the feet of sorrow and pain
But tears that roll at the sight of absolute happiness.
My ever moving happiness, hear me ---
I love these tears you give me.
It washes all the sadness in my eyes.
And if I can, I’d contain it in a jeweled vial
As if it is an elixir wringed from my heart and soul.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The One Minute Closure

How far will you go?
You'd do anything
I need you
I need you to let go
I will let you go
But I need you
Because I love you
If you love me then let me be
I will
Because I love you

Sunday, October 5, 2008

No Vacancy

If there’s a pang in my heart now it is not something to be sad or worry about. It’s simply a lack of space for something that is bigger occupying every inch of it. Every muscle, tissue and vein stretched out to give way to an everyday growing dweller, powerful enough to consume me. Love, yes, nothing else. No space for hatred or regrets, just love. It fills me up and then whirls inside like a giant black hole. The intense gravity gathers my being and then the most beautiful thing happens…
I burst into millions of stars, planets and galaxies. Almost seems like giving birth to a whole new universe. And the best thing about this is that it happens with every beat of my heart, with every chance that I get to realize that I am loved and that I can give it back.

Swept Away

I couldn't think of any way to describe it better. I'm afraid that my lack of taste to judicious words might disappoint the very thing that keeps me breathing. But neither do I find it necessary for any additives for something that is already intense. I hope I can give justice to it --- I say it as it melts in the palate of my passion.

I am falling endlessly.
Deeper everyday.
And there's no intent to halt at all.
I have inside me an entity bigger, stronger than I am.
And it seems so true that wild things do run fast.
The inertia is an absolute apathy at this point.
I was swept away too many times and I am still, as before, drifted by its course.

It’s a total surrender of my being to something painfully sweet like a scalding desire.


Wild Things Run Fast

I couldn't think of any way to describe it better. I'm afraid that my lack of taste to judicious words might disappoint the very thing that keeps me breathing . But neither do I find it necessary for any additives for something that is alredy intense. I hope I can give justice to it --- I say it as it melts in the palate of my passion.



I am falling endelessly.

Deeper everyday.

And there's no intent to halt at all.

I have inside me an entity bigger, stronger than I am.

And it seem so true that wild things do run fast.



Thursday, October 2, 2008

Hands

This morning I was stopped by the image of my hands. The creases and wrinkles are twice as much as last year. I started wondering where it all came from or how I got it. There was a vague flash back (or maybe just a tickle of my imagination) of my own tiny soft hands held by one warm finger. My baby hands! So small and all it can grab was my mother’s finger. That’s all I saw and snapped back to reality then I looked at my hands again. It looks old and weary but still very able. If my hands can talk it can probably remember more of my life than my short-termed memory. It was the very tool of my every action, the messenger of my every thought and deed, and my savior when I turn mute. It makes the obvious even more alive when it hits its surface.


September 29,2008


Saturday, August 16, 2008

Fledge

When the wind is steady at night
And the stillness of your gaze is bright
To my body it shifts the angles of my light
My state morphs to a being capable of flight

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Better Half

April 22, 2007
Sunday
8:44 am – 9:42 am

Sometimes people see only one side of love. Without my presence, without my existence known to them I am but a name. But it’s alright; it is her love that I want the whole world to know. How deep, how beautiful, how amazing, how intense, how powerful. To her closest friends, to her family and to all her acquaintances I am someone who just got lucky; someone bathing in the benefits of her love. And that anyone would love to take my place for a day.
I never ask of glory from love, all I wanted, needed was her. I don’t care if no one knows how much I love her; how deep, how beautiful, how amazing, how intense, how powerful. Knowing, understanding and believing what I have for her are enough. And if I have to be the only one to know, to understand, to believe I’d still go on. The thought of an existing love, returned or not, is what keeps me alive. I celebrate it alone; no need for compliments from friends or anyone how blessed she was to have me. Alone I rejoice because I have learned to love again.
I will never speak to the world of my love for her and no one will. But the wind, the moon and stars, the endless sky, the earth I walk upon, the sun, the birds they were all witnesses and I don’t know how to keep them quiet. My bed, pillows and sheets heard me a hundred times murmuring her name before I sleep at night, well maybe I could always wash them but what if my voice and my thought had become it’s threads that made it soft and warm at night? Then it’s hopeless. I almost forgot my shoes. Yes they know a certain road that I love to take. It’s the path that leads to her home. They know the way and they know how my feet, my heart dances with anticipation as I start my journey to home--- her arms, her smile, her kisses, her thoughts, her dreams, her love. Should I burn them to keep them shut?
In the end it is love that matters, not really the people that had become instruments of its existence. It is a circle that keeps us all in its center. No matter what kind, it is of one root and it had kept me nourished, alive and had kept my own world breathing.

The pen is mightier than my memory

April 18, 2007
Wednesday
6:24 pm – 6:51pm

I’ve forgotten how to write a letter or perhaps I’ve been refusing myself to do so. There was a lot to say for the past few months. My heart, my hands are burning to write but a part of me would always say it’s not yet time. A part of me would always say to wait for the perfect time and the perfect place (probably far away from where I am now; far away from everyone). But when? Where?
The pages and spaces of my Starbucks journal is not enough. Every time I write I have to fabricate a day’s memory into it’s simplest from. The best and most beautiful details are gone and emotions are usually held back to avoid downpour of words. This is very unfortunate for me. Writing is the only way I know to preserve what I treasure, my memories.
Since childhood, among us three daughters, I’ve always had the poorest memory; always the slowest to learn. I probably passed scholarship grants back in college not because of good memory handy for remembering lessons from tons of textbooks but maybe because of simple hard work and a bit of guts.
Only through writing would I know how I’ve lived my life. I know it’s quite odd but I always have this feeling that I’ll lose my memory at a very early age, probably between my 40s or 50s. Fear of the unknown, of things I’m not even sure that will happen in the future. I was thinking too much of the anesthesia that was used to me before during dental operations, and of that time when I tried to overdose myself with memory enhancers to make sure that I pass the next scholarship evaluation. Maybe these things have affected my memory. There were lots of times back in college when I would bang my head to the wall because of unbearable headache. That may have caused my poor memory as well.
I know that the people around me would always remind me of how I’ve lived my life regardless if they cared for me or not. But the details of how beautiful life was; how life was presented with life; how life found reasons and meaning --- I guess it’s only me who can tell. This should be one good reason why I should write.

To Forgive is to...

April 22, 2007
Sunday
10:56 am – 11:42 am

Why is it so hard to forgive sometimes?
Maybe because we know we’ve committed mistakes less than others, than the person who have done us wrong. We think highly of ourselves.
Maybe because we know we have given so much for something or someone and it makes us look seem so perfect that we are bathing in our own rightfulness. Our generosity, our kindness becomes an excuse. It becomes a banner on our heads to let everyone know that we don’t deserve such pain.
Maybe we’re afraid to be abused. After giving chances we might receive more of this pain that we try to avoid.
Maybe we want the other person to suffer first with the waiting we make, making them beg to death.
Maybe being unforgiving is revenge itself and it’s the only way we know how to get back.
Maybe the silence that unforgiveness makes is a weapon, a knife that slashes the soul of a weeping repent.
Forgiving is what helped mankind survive through ages. For if we do not forgive we would all perish in the hands of hatred, of revenge. We forgive not to delight and pass the soul of the one who repents but we forgive for our own sake. For when it is our turn to repent it is not only the ears but the heart that listens, that understands, that forgives.
Today I ask for forgiveness. First from myself. I have denied myself of freedom to change and to embrace chances. I have built a cell around me that will forever tell me that I don’t deserve such good things in life; that I am only second to anyone; that I am limited; I am only embraced by this world but not life itself; that I am sin itself.
In order to forgive myself I have to realize that I am made out of love and of love and that I am capable of multiplying myself and the love that I have in me. Love itself is the hand of forgiveness that extends to every corner, to every soul.
It is the thought of being abused that blocks the courage to forgive. But we never realize that we become instruments of survival. Because mistakes are daggers of the soul and the cut it makes can only be healed by forgiveness. Left unhealed, it becomes fatal and the body dies but the soul wanders weeping through the banks of life.
Today I survived forgiven by others so that I may help others to survive by forgiving them.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Note from the first flowers sent

I sent you these flowers
to make them see
that their beauty
is but a fading one
once they see yours

Sleeping with the enemy

The habit of dwelling in the arms of a foe
in time of loneliness
Only when I permit a visit that I am envelope
by its stares
And my soul shaken and shivered
by its fingers
Why do I ever listen to its knock?
After that I am left naked in my bed
Raped by its unforgiving words

01.03.08

I am

I am the axis of my life
And the universe of my ever revolving destiny.

01.01.08

Silent Battles

My battles often happen in silence
It is when the chariots of fear are clearly heard
The banners of sorrow visible from afar
And once I hear the horn
I know it's nearly coming
The arrows of pain are soon to rain my heart
I see myself standing in the middle of the battlefield
Choosing to be still
And battle silence with silence

01.02.08

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Falling Up

Suspended in lightness, highness
Almost touching the clouds
Gliding the air with feathery companions
My hands can play the forest canopy
My shadow floats on every body of waters
But I have never set foot on the ground
Not even close enough to feel the ants' heads
I have stayed in this state for the longest time
Since I've met you.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Office Break

Today I seek for new things to explore

‘Bout the world beneath my feet

‘Bout the opportunities under my fingertips

And I found how greatly chances were missed

The moment I stop to look for more

I realized that when the dreaming stops

Slowly, unconsciously I become

A part the earth ready to be blown by the wind

Or drowned by the rain

I decompose (Slowly, unconsciously)

Become a matter of insignificance

A particle of non-existence

And so I dream

August 29, 2007

8:40am, Office

Your laughter

Like little bubbly brooks

Tickling the back of my head

Carving tiny bends on my soft banks

Whistling like the Nightingale

Your laughter

Like long tailed shooting stars

Shattering all loneliness

Filling the abyss of my soul

Firing light to my sleeping darkness

Your laughter

Like a treasure box

Where I keep all the good things I want

Where I find everything that I need

Where I draw all that completes me

Anne's laughter

August 21, 2007

Office

In the heart of a storm

I see your eyes

I hold on to its brightness

And I stood still

I feel the weight of your stare

Holding me, pulling me

Back to the ground

The wind rages and yet

Your words filter the sand

That whirls to blind my eyes.

Storm

August 23, 2007

10:00am, Office

A different poetry,

I’d like to write.

Its words are painless for the senses to absorb.

And the song it composes, for the soul is effortless to sway with.

And the depth and height are within reach of reality.

No towering words and no riddling rhymes

Just plain poetry to ease one’s heart and mind.

A different poetry.

November 11, 2007

1:00 am, Office

I'm counting the hours, minutes, seconds...

At the end of this day

I don't want to be anywhere else but in your arms.

Aching to feel your warmth, to thaw my frozen skin and to thrust my numbed heart.

(For longingness have caused this numbness)

Hungry to feel your touch, to ripen my barren soul.

I am lost without your presence, like a wandering dead bush in the desert.

My clock tells me

In a few, I’ll be with you

Long wait will be over

And I will be real again…

Tasting, seeing, hearing, feeling

Love and You.

Body Clock

December 1, 2007

8:45 am

Office

Traces

Could be road trails

Could be broken branches or leaves

Could be tiny puddles

Could be mist or fog

Could be footprints

Could be laugh lines

Could be wrinkles

Could be scars

Could be cobwebs

Could be empty rooms

Could be bed unmade

Could be lipstick marks

Could be finger prints

Could be fallen hair

Could be unfinished writings

Could be hanging words

Could be silence

Could be a lot of endless lists

All created by ideas, intentions, moods, inspiration, and all that pushes us to move, to feel.

All leading to an end or continuance of an existence.

Traces

December 1, 2007

12:40 pm

Office

The icy, salty water sliding down your cheeks,

It freezes my heart until it’s numb, until it stops.

Undated.

Looking at you I see

Ember dying

Soul searching

Heart losing its way

Come to me my love, my life.

Let me rescue you

Stay close to me and let me smolder that lost love for I have never lost my fire to desire you, adore you, cherish you all my life_____ constantly burning because of you, for you and only you.

If your soul is searching, let me be the one to hold your hand.

Let me be the one you see in your dreams whom you’re walking with hand in hand through fields, mountains, valleys, hills, and all roads. We will not stop ‘til we find what will make your heart delighted, contented, fulfilled.

I will come with you because what makes my heart delighted, contented, fulfilled is you.

Look at me and follow with your heart the path that my eyes will lead you for it only sees one door ______ a door that will lead you and me back to us.

Come to me my love, my life

Falter but don’t let go

Take your time but don’t take too long

Our love is bigger, stronger than us

Draw your strength and hopes from it

Tower your faith and trust on its foundation ____ of which our hands and hearts have built from the very beginning.

We are not perfect but the love born of our imperfections thriving to grow together, filling each others’ gaps _____ that is perfect.

There is no other way to love you but this.

I have said what I’ve said because

I have dreamt of living and dying in your arms

And I intend to make it real.

Relight

December 24, 2007

8:00 AM

Office

I choose to surrender and not fight at all because I choose to fall in your arms and lay at your feet.

Defeat Me.

The fall

December 28, 2007

9:15am

Office

Tracing your face and remembering your grace

I saw my self rained on with thousands of words to portray you

Soft, tickling raindrops almost never ending

Rain

March 12, 2008

8:44 pm

Office

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Tagpuan

Sa iyong mga mata
Nagtatagpo ng lihim
Ang buwan at ang araw
Dahan-dahan, unti-unti
Naglalaho ang ulap
Upang hubdan ang kalangitan

12.07.08

Winter End Haiku

Afternoon sinking
Looking forward to my rest
Sadly without you
27.12.08

Caught myself waiting
Flying thoughts, floating feelings
Coming home to you
27.12.07

A puddle of gloom
Broken branches of yearning
Gray skies of anguish
28.12.07

Last days of the month
Squeezing the juice of good times
Forget not the learned
28.12.07

I aim to be there
And you will be my last stop
Where all my roads end
29.12.07

Seasons change the leaves
And so does time changes people
Nothing stays the same
29.12.07

Dark clouds hovering
My heart left outside in cold
Nothing I can do
29.12.07

I need to see now
How your fire can burn me slow
Almost into ashes
29.12.07

It's through and by love
That faith and hope thrives in grace
Blossoms even on snow
30.12.07

To forgive others
An advance decompense for
An err awaiting
30.12.07

Holding you close now
I only felt a cold soul
Seeking for the light
30.12.07

New galaxy born
In her eyes I see it moves
Each time I touch her
01.01.08

Like virgin snow
Your skin, i would love to ski
Leave trails of desire
03.01.08

Heart wild in yearning
Even if pain palpitates
Forever in veins
17.01.08

Like cracks on my wall
Memories of faith and love
Left traces last year
20.01.08

Ode to Imani

Daugther of fire & faith
Disciple of passion & poetry
Cradled by the hands of beauty & nobility
You are muse who walks this earth
with unchanging form.
A glimpse of your promethean hands
and roses spring even in winter.
Let me walk your hidden temple
and let my life be an incense
burning at your presence
rising and fading in your heavenly loft
while my ember forever burning at your feet.

29.12.07